[Mail Call 05/15/17] On the Abyssals

HA! WITH MORGANE SICK AND EVERYONE ELSE BUSY, TIME FOR ME TO APPEAR!

FOR THE GLORY OF THE –

Aw, who the hell am I kidding. Listen up. I’m never going to get a speaking role in Pacific, okay? I’m not big enough on the food chain to get lines. Every once in a while someone writes in and go OMG THE ABYSSAL-HIME SO CUTE CAN I BE WAIFU

First of all, what the f__k is a waifu.

Second of all why would I want to be a “waifu.”

We’re strong! Scary! We literally devour planets! Our technology is so advanced we BREAK THE LAWS OF PHYSICS! You think we’re just like the KC ones where we’re undead shipgirls or vengeful spirits from OUTER SPACE? Well we’re not! I’m scary! I have tentacles and sh_t!

…Okay. Fine. I’m really here to answer this question.

“If the Abyssals are so technologically advanced why don’t they just teleport their troops directly onto land? If it’s so beneficial (I’m guessing the Abyssals are like the Tyranids where they feed off of biomass?) you’d think they would have done that already.”

Yo. You think we don’t want to do this? We’re pretty damn proud of the fact that we’re capable bad-guys, you know?

We CAN’T. OKAY? Imagine yourself in command of an impossibly vast, transcendental and trans-dimensional force of ANTI-CIVILIZATION. How big is the universe?

Very, very, very big.

How big is earth?

Very, very, very small in comparison.

Do you know how hard it is to get something, what’s the human word. Teleported! Teleported into this world’s oceans?

I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is? You humans miss a decimal point and messes up a rocket launch. We f_ck up even an iota of our equivalent and you wanna know what happens?

… Forget it you wouldn’t understand even if I told you. In any case. Do you know what happens when you teleport biological matter straight into solid rock? Do you know what happens when you put an Abyssal into the planet’s molten core?

The same thing that happens to other stuff. It’s not pretty.

Now, you asinine mortals might be going, wuhhhhhhh but your numbers are limitless why does even it like matter hurrdurr?

Our numbers being limitless has nothing to do with how the Fleet operates. We do not tolerate failure. Failure is met with punishment. Always.

Always.

Now do you understand? Do you –

HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY KICKASS SUB CORNER?

Dolphin, this is K9 speaking. You weren’t scheduled to talk today –

SHUT UP DOGGO. EVERY DAY IS KICKASS SUB CORNER DAY. AND YOU TWO ARE MAKING IT LESS KICKASS! GET OUT OR ELSE I’LL HAVE TO APPLY FOOT TO ASS TO REGAIN OPTIMAL KICKASSNESS!

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